Living With It

By Diane Kauffman

I have been a Minister of Care for the past 9 years.  I have also kept a Gratitude Journal for the past 9 years. I t began with the book "Simple Abundance" and was fueled by Oprah consistently stating that journaling would have a positive impact on my life.

So my journaling began, but then in June 2003, in spite of all my good intentions to stretch and expand my world in a positive way, life was interrupted. When you receive a cancer diagnosis that is what life becomes-INTERRUPTED.  After hearing those words, you do not hear anything else.  Life becomes a frenzy of web searching hours, doctor's appointments, pre-op tests, searching for all the data I could find to understand the disease, treatment choices and prognosis.  It was amazing how many people became experts sharing their stories or those of others who had positive outcomes.  No one talked about the people who did not make it.  I knew there were those cases.  My neighbor died from breast cancer and left a 10-year-old son motherless.  And there were others with cancer, my maternal aunt and two cousins, one with pancreatic cancer. It was all around me and I was scared.

My diet and lifestyle did not support a diagnosis of cancer.  After all, I ate nutritiously and exercised every day. Maybe my demise would be by some other mode, certainly not breast cancer.  As I grappled with managing my life, I thought that nothing else could happen because I had the ultimate diagnosis-Cancer.  But the realities of life continued.  I experienced 4 deaths within 4 months, two of them just 5 days a part.  I even had to have my sick dog put down because I knew I could not take care of her after surgery.

I had not experienced such relentless grief in a very long time. I questioned if I would be strong enough to endure my own battle. I followed my path as if I was going through the motions.  I made it because I was determined to be a Survivor.  During my 6 weeks of daily radiation 13 people, including my 3 children, walked with me at the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Walk and we raised $1300.  I have completed 3 successful walks since then.

What am I grateful for?

For being a Survivor. For choosing to think of my cancer as a gift.  For never questioning, why me?  I knew from the very beginning it was so I could be an advocate for educating women to be more vigilant about their bodies.  My tumor did not show on a mammogram.  My gynecologist discovered a suspicious lump and suggested that I follow up with a cancer specialist.

Who am I grateful for?

For my family and friends who never missed a beat in offering support, encouragement and prayers.  For every member of my congregation who offered prayers when they weren't really sure who they were praying for or why, only that my name was on the prayer list.  I am thankful that I had the skilled hands of a surgeon who always had my best interest as his personal priority and that I was surrounded by a team of health care professionals who literally saved my life.

I am grateful that I have decided to use the china and drink the good wine out of my finest crystal.  That my children live in the state and I have 6 beautiful grandchildren.  That I am employed, have a home and an excellent health prognosis. I realize that life is as precious as it is fragile.  We must take our cues from 911, the war on Iraq and the disasters that never allow us to say, "goodbye" or ‘ I love you" for the last time. 

We need to release the hurts that stymie our productiveness. We need to be more forgiving and not to sweat all the small stuff that depletes our energy and robs our joyful spirit.  If we seize the daily moments to express our life for others and ourselves then we will live our lives with no regrets.

I have been taking more time to smell the roses, to focus on the positive, to count my blessings, every single day.  To say "I love you, I care about you" more often and too more than just my family.  To be more forgiving and develop a deeper relationship with God. It has been said that if you start each day with 5 things that you are grateful for that the day will be more productive, more fulfilling, more living.  No one else can experience my exact journey, but I am fortified with a strong support system.  I am so thankful to my children Michael, Mark and Jennifer and their spouses.  I am thankful for my sister, Barbara, friend Ellen, for all who have touched my life and sustained me through so many challenges, particularly the Spirit Survivors at The Cancer Institute at Alexian Brothers.  If God never does anything else, He has blessed me beyond my greatest expectations.