Taking Control

A Survivor Story by Joan Tuzzolino

My cancer journey began in October 2003.  I went in to my gynecologist for my annual exam and to discuss having another child.  I never had any reason to think that there would be anything wrong.  I had no symptoms. I was fine, I was never sick so why would cancer even cross my mind?  The only thing on my mind was my family and my decision to have another baby.  Over the course of 2 weeks my tests kept coming back positive and my condition kept getting worse.  I didn’t have a clue and kept thinking, “just get this next test over with so I can get on with my life & plans for my family.”

I still remember the day I was told I have cancer.  The doctor asked if anyone came with me and I thought, “what a strange question, why would anyone need to come with me?  I’ve always come by myself; now let’s get on with whatever so I can go home.”  Then I looked into his eyes and saw despair.  He just looked at me and said he was sorry.  The tears began to fall.  He had already scheduled me to see a specialist in gynecological oncology and in two days he was to perform a radical hysterectomy with a treatment plan of radiation to follow.  Say what?!  It was too much to take in.  “Oncology?  That’s “cancer” right?  Are you telling me I have cancer?”  His eyes dropped to the floor and he said yes.  I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.  My choice to have another child was taken away.  This was the first time in my life I had no control.  I had no say in what was going to happen to my body.  I was in shock and for the first time my world came to a crashing halt.

How could this be?  How could this happen?  How could I lose control?  I didn’t feel sick so how could it possibly be as bad as they say it is?  What had I done to cause this?  What could I have done to prevent this?  I am a mom and moms don’t get sick!  What would happen to my family?  I spent hour after hour reading and researching, trying to gain control.  I needed to be in control of my health and my future.  Everything in my world was spiraling out of control – my control.

Stage II Cervical cancer sent me into surgery and I prayed for this to be the end of it. I prayed for good health and no radiation.  I prayed for strength to get me through all of this.  It was at my follow up visit after surgery when my oncologist pulled the rug out from under me once again.  I was told the pathology reports revealed that I had Stage IV Cervical cancer.  It was very aggressive and it had spread to an ovary so my next step in treatment would be five weeks of radiation and then six rounds of chemotherapy every three weeks.  “Chemo?!”  That means no hair!  Am I going to lose my hair now?!”  I was told my treatment plan was a “chance” of radiation and now I have to do both!  This was the second time I felt my world crashing in. 

It was during this time that I knew I needed help. This was something bigger than I could handle on my own.  Chemotherapy was the scariest thing I have ever had to face and I did not want to do it. This was something that I couldn’t deny or cover up.  The world would now see me and know that I was sick, know that I was struggling, know that I was different. These are all the issues that I had to deal with and the clock was ticking.  That is when God sent me angels and answers. 

Angels and answers came to me through support groups offered at the Cancer Center at Alexian Brothers and at the Wellness Place in Palatine .  Everyone I met was an angel ready and willing to help.  I was able to connect with cancer survivors, ask the questions I needed to ask and got the answers from people who were just like me. 

My family turned out to be angels as well. They have been a tremendous source of support and strength.  They are always ready to be there at a moment’s notice for me.  They have given of themselves and have shown my children what it means to part of a loving family that will rally together when things are tough.  I am very blessed to have them and they are all very special to me.  I hope that I will be able to help them as they have helped me. 

My husband has always been my angel.  When two people take their wedding vows and say “in sickness and in health” do they really think about the sickness part?  I know now that I am blessed.  In more ways than one, I am blessed.  I can only say that God was thinking of me when he put my husband in my life.  I must have done something very right to be blessed with such a strong and loving husband.  He held my hand and has never let go. 

I always hear there is a life before and after cancer.   This is true.  Cancer was a direction in life that I did not choose.  Cancer is something that I could not control.  Cancer is something that shook me to the core.  It was the first major hurdle that I felt as though I was on the “sidelines” of life and I was missing out on it all.  Life is what is happening on the outside while I was sitting at home healing.  I realize now that I do have a choice.  I have a choice to let cancer get the best of me or live my life as best I can with it.  I chose the latter of the two. 

So I choose to enter each day with an open heart and accept what it brings.   I choose to hold my head high with or without hair.  I choose to reach out to all cancer survivors and offer friendship, hope and strength.  I choose to find the humor in my healing because I’d rather be laughing than crying.  I choose this path not only for me but also for my sons; they are my pride and joy.  I pray that this cancer journey will show them how to face life’s adversity and stay strong, focused & connected.  Life is a learning experience and I’ve learned a lot in my crash course this past year.  I’ve realized first hand how one person’s life affects everyone around them.  Not only family but with strangers as well.  I could be out anywhere and people would approach me and say, “Hi, I noticed your hat and it’s the sam e one I wore.  How are your treatments going?”  It is such an emotional charge to meet someone like that because it is an instant connection. 

So, I want to say thank you.  Thank you to all those who have worked and prayed to help me through my care and healing.  Thank you to all the doctors, nurses, family, friends and even strangers I’ve met along the way, it has been for a reason and I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me.  I am a stronger person now than ever before.  It has been said that “a life can be understood backwards; but must be lived forward”.  This is my life after cancer.   I know I can handle anything that comes my way.  This is what cancer has done for me.